I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
