Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Farmville is her only friend.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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