he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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