my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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