So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
