The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
