I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
