So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My ATM looks so different sober.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
