he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
