I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
