i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
