Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize