Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
