I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
