I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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