On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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