Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
