dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Also, beer. Big fan.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
