You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
