this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
