this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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