I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
