i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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