Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Found the puke drawer
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
