I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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