Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
