life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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