What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
