i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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