Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
