i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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