The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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