i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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