I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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