I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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