Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My dick has a subreddit
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
