i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
