Don't make out with my wife yet
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
