Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
