tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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