Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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