I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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