My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
