yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
