I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You're like the curious george of whores
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
