Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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