checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
