It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
