i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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