If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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