The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
