I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
