so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
