My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
