please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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