I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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