before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
