I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm getting married
To pizza
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
