my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
