i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
is wine microwaveable?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
