Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
