God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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