this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
